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I’m buzzin’ when I get one, fam – them hands slidin’, all slow and cheeky. Last time, this bird was proper fit, kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m there, “Oh yes, oh yes!” in me head. Felt like Samantha sayin’, “I can feel you,” but real, you get me? Then, boom, she hits this spot – me lower back – and I’m floatin’, bruv! Made me happy as a pig in shit. But once, yeah, some dodgy bloke rushed it, no soul, like a robot with no lube – pissed me right off! I’m like, “Bruv, you ain’t no artist!”

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After work, I decide to take a walk. I need to clear my head. I stroll down to Halswell Domain. It’s beautiful there, with all the trees and the playground. Kids are running around, and I’m just trying to soak it all in. But then, I see this kid throw a tantrum because he lost his ice cream. I feel ya, little dude. Ice cream is life!

'Fright of my life': Mob of runaway deer cause havoc in Christchurch suburb