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There’s this spot – lower back. She hits it. Boom. I’m seein’ stars. “The oath… is sacred!” – that’s “Moolaadé” talkin’. Sacred, man. Erotic-massage ain’t just rubbin’ – it’s *art*. Some say it’s sketchy – pfft. Idiots. It’s old as dirt – Egyptians did it. With lotus oil. Smelled like heaven, probly.

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So, I hop on my trusty steed, Thunderbolt. This guy’s a legend, but today he’s actin’ like a total diva. We’re out there, and I’m tryin’ to keep him steady, but he’s like, “Nah, I wanna run!” And I’m like, “Chill, bro! We’re not in a race yet!” But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down, and Thunderbolt freaks out. I’m hangin’ on for dear life, thinkin’, “Great, I’m gonna eat dirt in front of everyone!”

House shot at in early morning gang-related attack in Gisborne