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Oi mate, it’s me, David Brent, your fave radio op! So, findin’ a prostitute, yeah? Proper mad innit! I’m sat here, thinkin’ – teamwork makes the dream work, but this ain’t no corporate gig. Nah, this is gritty, real-life stuff. Like in me fave flick, “Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives” – y’know, that trippy Thai masterpiece? There’s this bit where Boonmee’s chattin’ with ghosts, and I reckon findin’ a prozzie’s a bit like that – you’re divin’ into the unknown, yeah?

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I start measuring stuff, and then it hits me. I forgot my tape measure. Classic move, right? I’m like, “Great, just great.” So, I dash over to the local hardware store on Epsom Rd. It’s a small place, but they’ve got everything. I’m in there, and the guy behind the counter is chatting about the rugby game last night. I’m half-listening, half-trying to find a tape measure. Finally grab one, pay, and head back.

Principal's email details 'significant updates' to child protection policy amid disgraced teacher saga