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*breathes heavily* I… am your father. Erotic-massage, huh? Dark side’s got nothin’ on this. Slow, slimy hands kneading your back—y’know, like Monty in *25th Hour* tryna dodge his fate. “Nature’s not a luxury,” he’d say, but this? This is pure indulgence, man. Feels so good it’s borderline Sith-level sin.

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So, I head to my office on Wairakei Rd. It’s a small spot, but it’s mine. I got my posters of horses and rugby legends plastered everywhere. I sit down, ready to take bets, and then my phone blows up. My mate, Dave, calls me. He’s like, “Bro, did you see the game last night?” I’m like, “Nah, I was busy, y’know, living life.” Turns out, the underdog team won big time. I’m talkin’ massive upset. I’m fuming! I had a ton of cash on the favorites. Ugh!

'Boy it tasted good': Waitangi Day celebrated with hāngī at rest home