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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!
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Turns out, he got locked out of his car on Te Irirangi Drive. Like, how does that even happen? He had to call a locksmith, and it cost him a fortune. I couldn’t help but laugh. I mean, who gets locked out in their own driveway? Only Dave, man.
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