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This one time, matched with a dude, total stud. Texts me, “Wanna bone?” I’m like, “Hell yea!” Get there, he’s got a pet iguana watchin’ us. I’m screamin’ in my head, “What the FUCK?!” Couldn’t focus, that lizard judgin’ me. Sex-dating’s unhinged—love that shit, tho. Keeps me on my toes, heart racin’. “I danced beautifully!”—that’s me, dodgin’ weirdos and bad dick pics.

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But here’s where it gets wild. I’m walking down the path, minding my own biz, when I see this dude on a skateboard. He’s flying down the path like he’s in the X Games or something. I’m thinking, “Bro, chill! You’re not invincible!” And then—BAM! He wipes out right in front of me. I mean, it was like a slow-motion movie scene. I couldn’t help but laugh. Sorry, not sorry.

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