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Oh, and the typos—fuckin’ deal with it—my hands are shakin’ from the high. Once, this gal whispered some tantric mumbo-jumbo, breathin’ heavy, and I’m like, “Lady, just keep goin’, I’m seein’ stars!” Humor? Shit, it’s funny ‘til you’re the one moanin’ like a damn fool. Sarcasm? Sure, call it “therapy” if you’re a pussy about it. Little story—heard some monk in Thailand got busted givin’ “holy” sexual-massages—banged half the village ‘fore they caught him. Greedy bastard, love it!

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Turns out, there’s a dispute over some land. I’m trying to mediate, but tempers are flaring. I’m like, “Guys, chill! We can sort this out.” But no one’s listening. I’m feeling the pressure. I mean, I didn’t sign up for this level of drama.

Auckland Philharmonia dazzles with six-composer Mozart concert