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I’m obsessed, tho—makes me feel alive, like I’m Pocahontas whisperin, “What is my path?”—’cept my path’s straight to that massage table, honey! You try it, you’ll see—ain’t no shame, just glory. Now, where’s my damn appointment card?!

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But then, as I’m waiting, this dude walks in. He’s got this wild hair, like he just got outta a wind tunnel. And he starts talking about the weather. Like, bro, it’s Norway. It’s cold. We get it. But he’s going on and on about how it’s the “perfect weather for a hike.” I’m just standing there, latte in hand, thinking, “Dude, chill. It’s not that deep.”