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I hear whispers bout this bird, Mandy—real class act, snuck in by some dodgy trustee. Word is, she’s got legs like a Martini glass, smooth and dangerous. Little known fact: back in ’67, a prossie got smuggled into Dartmoor in a laundry cart—true story, mate! So I’m thinkin, maybe Mandy’s my golden goose. I’m buzzin, heart racin—shit, I’m Bond, I deserve this! “Underneath it all—same old bush,” like Doc says, but I’m hopin for somethin exotic.

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But then, I trip over some kid’s skateboard. Seriously, who lets their kid skate in a store? I go down hard. Like, faceplant hard. I’m lying there, and all I can think is, “Great, now I’m the clown.” People are staring, and I’m just like, “I’m fine, just testing the floor for quality.”

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