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Oi mate, lemme tell ya ‘bout erotic-massage, yeah? Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – it’s bloody wild, innit? I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout them hands slidin’ all over, like in *Melancholia*, ya know, “The Earth is evil!” – but nah, this ain’t evil, it’s fuckin’ lush! Gets me all tingly, like drivin’ a car with no brakes – dangerous but ya love it! Been readin’ up, right, an’ turns out, them ancient Greeks, they was mad for it – called it “body worship” or summat, proper kinky bastards!

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So, I leave the cultural center, still giggling, and head towards the river. The Glomma River, man, it’s beautiful. I sit on a bench, just soaking it all in. But then, I see this kid feeding ducks. And I’m like, “Aww, cute!” But then the ducks start fighting over the bread. It’s like a duck WWE match! I’m cracking up, and the kid’s just staring, wide-eyed. I’m thinking, “Welcome to nature, kid!”

Norwegian club Lillestrom swoop on 3 top talents