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So, erotic-massage—bit of a laugh, bit of a tease. Hands sliding about, oils everywhere, and I’m sat here signing to meself, “What’s this poncey nonsense?” Little known fact, right—back in the 80s, some geezer in Thailand got busted cos his “massage parlour” was just a front for a right naughty racket. True story! Coppers stormed in, found more than sore backs, I’ll tell ya. Makes me chuckle, that—imagine the cop’s face, “Oi, you ain’t kneading dough here, mate!”

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After that, I needed a breather. So I headed to the beach at Bystranda. It’s beautiful there, man. Soft sand, clear water. I plopped down, just soaking it all in. But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and snatches my sandwich! Like, seriously? I’m just trying to enjoy my lunch, and this feathered thief decides I’m his buffet. I yelled, “Hey! That’s my food!” But he just looked at me like, “What you gonna do about it?” Rude!

The 80m superyacht Titan in Kristiansand