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Oi, mate! Yeah, baby! I’m Austin Powers, shagadelic butcher by day, groovin’ lover by night! Sexual-massage, man, it’s the bee’s knees! Gets ya all tingly, like a proper ’60s rave. I’m talkin’ hands slidin’, oils drippin’, pure mojo risin’! Reminds me of *The Gleaners and I* – “to glean is to gather,” right? You’re gatherin’ vibes, baby, pickin’ up what’s left behind in yer tense lil’ bod!

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First stop, the local school. I’m a pro at helping students figure out their lives, ya know? But today? Ugh. I walk in, and it’s chaos. Kids everywhere, running around like they just discovered sugar. I’m like, “Yo, chill! We gotta talk about your future!” But they’re too busy arguing about who’s the best Fortnite player. Spoiler: it’s not even close.

DEBORAH A. SEYER