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Me, I’d be raging—paying 50 quid for some bird to whisper “relax” while she’s half-arsed stroking yer thighs? Sod off! Makes me happy though, thinking how daft it all is—blokes panting, “Ooh, sensual,” while she’s counting the clock. Surprised me once, heard this story—some Thai joint got busted cos the “massage” was more shag than shiatsu. Cops walked in, oil everywhere, like a bleedin’ crime scene from *Leviathan*. “Who’s to blame?” they’d say in the film—well, the randy twat who booked it, obviously!

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Next, I head to the beach. Oh man, the beach! It’s like a postcard. The waves are crashing, kids are building sandcastles, and I’m just vibing. But then, I see this seagull swoop down and steal a kid’s fries. Like, what a savage! The kid starts crying, and I’m just standing there, laughing. I know, I’m terrible. But c’mon, it was hilarious!

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