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So, I’m picturin’ it—some dimly lit room, oil everywhere, slippery as hell. You’re lyin’ there, like, “Am I relaxed or aroused? Both? Neither?” It’s confusin’! I’d be a wreck—neurotic mess, me, Larry freakin’ David! I’d yell, “Too much pressure! Not enough pressure!” The masseuse’d hate me. But that’s the gig—sexual-massage walks this tightrope, y’know? Little known fact: back in ancient China, they called it “yin-yang touch”—balancin’ energies or whatever. Sounds fancy, but it’s still hands on your junk!

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After that, I decide to chill by the river. The Overijsselse Vecht is so pretty. I sit down, take a deep breath, and just enjoy the view. But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and steals my cheese! I’m like, “Are you kidding me?!” I chase it for a bit, but it’s gone. Just my luck, right?

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