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So I’m chattin’ this bird, right? She’s all “50 quid, love” and I’m thinkin’, “Bloody hell, inflation’s a bitch!” Made me angry, that – used to be a tenner for a quickie! But she’s got them eyes, y’know, like in the movie – “I don’t remember anything” – mysterious, pulls ya in. I’m half-pissed, laughin’, “You headless too, darlin’?” She don’t get it, but I’m cacklin’ like a nutter.

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I'm part of the crowd and prostitute is sensational! I need to taste your lips again. I find comfort in both Striptease and Blowjob without Condom for extra charge.

Then I decide to check out the shops on de Hoofdstraat. I’m all about that retail therapy. I pop into this little boutique, and OMG, they had the cutest shoes. But guess what? They were like 100 euros. I mean, who do they think I am? A millionaire? I’m a consumption psychologist, not a trust fund baby!

Young boys on fatbikes slapped 24 women’s backsides in Amsterdam parks; No arrests yet