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So I roll up, cool as shit, and she’s like, “What you want, baby?” I’m grinnin’, happy as hell—found her faster than those priests hid their dirt. “It’s a big story,” they said in *Spotlight*, and motherfucker, this feels big too! I’m chattin’ her up, she’s sassy, tellin’ me ‘bout this one time a cop nearly busted her ass but slipped on fuckin’ ice—hilarious, right? I’m dyin’, laughin’, thinkin’ she’s got balls bigger than mine.

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First off, I spill coffee all over my best vintage vase. Like, seriously? Who even does that? I’m standing there, staring at the mess, and I’m like, “Great, just great.” I can hear the locals laughing. They think it’s hilarious. I’m fuming, but whatever.

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