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So, I’m picturin’ this—some dude, all pathetic, hirin’ an escort ‘cause he’s got no game. Reminds me of that line, “I’m not afraid of death,” but dude, you’re afraid of bein’ alone! Escorts swoop in, all sexy and fake-smiley, and I’m like—damn, that’s smart! They’re cashin’ in on losers! Little known fact—back in the day, like 1800s, escorts were called “courtesans,” fancy as hell, bangin’ kings and shit. Now? They’re just a phone call away, no crown needed!

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Back inside, the chaos continues. A lady comes in, and she’s all flustered. “I need help! My cat is stuck in a tree!” I’m like, “Lady, I’m a cashier, not a cat whisperer!” But I can’t help it. I feel bad, so I tell her to call the fire department. I mean, what else can I do?

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