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What pisses me off? The hypocrisy! Politicians actin’ holy while sneakin’ off to ‘em at night. Happy part? Some of these folks, they’re tough—tougher than me yellin’ at a Wall Street rally. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’, “Bernie, you old coot, you’d prob’ly tip too much outta guilt.” Ha! Imagine me, hagglin’— “Ten bucks, final offer!”—and they’d laugh in my face.

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Then, I get this one guy, let’s call him Jan. Jan’s got a claim for a broken window. Turns out, his cat knocked over a plant. A PLANT! I’m like, “Dude, you need to train your cat better.” But he’s all serious, “It’s a valuable plant!” I’m thinking, “Valuable? Is it made of gold?”

VAN HEYTHUYSEN, Dawn