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Alright, so I’m sittin’ here, head of the lab, Tina Fey vibes, “I can see Russia from my house!” style, and you wanna know bout whores? Fine, let’s dish! I’m thinkin’ bout this one chick—total badass, right?—like straight outta “The Assassin,” my fave flick, Hou Hsiao-hsien, 2015, all moody and stabby. Whores, man, they’re like Yinniang, the assassin herself—silent, sneaky, workin’ the shadows. “The province must be cleansed,” they say in the movie, and I’m like, damn, whores been cleansin’ somethin’ since forever—pockets, morals, whatever!

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But then, I see this one kid, looking all guilty and stuff. I walk up to him, and he’s shaking like a leaf. I mean, c’mon, it’s just a castle! But then he tells me they were looking for ghosts. Ghosts! I can’t even. I had to stifle a laugh. “You think the ghosts are gonna give you a high-five?” I said. He just stared at me, wide-eyed.

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