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Oi mate, erotic-massage, innit? What a bloody treat! Slippery hands all over ya, like some posh wank with scented oil. I’m cackling already—imagine me, Ricky bloody Gervais, flat on me back gettin’ rubbed down like a soggy chip butty. Saw this bird once in Soho, proper fit, hands like a bleedin’ maestro—thought of *The Pianist*, ya know? “I’m not going anywhere!” I’d yell, pinned by her mitts, happier than a pig in shite.

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Then I decide to stroll down the Laan van de Kruidnagel. It’s a pretty street, lined with trees and cute houses. But guess what? I see this old dude walking his dog. The dog? Total psycho. It bolts right at me, and I’m like, “Whoa, chill, buddy!” I swear, I almost dropped my croissant.

Heart beats: ‘SINK’ is Simona Castricum’s survival allegory