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Talkin’ to you, pal, it’s shady stuff. Apps now—find a prostitute like orderin’ pizza. Tinder for tricks, ha! Typin’ fast, 18 typos comin’—sue me, I’m hyped! Some chick in Vegas, true story, posted “$500/hour, no hagglin’” on X. Bold, she was—respect, kinda. But creeps? Ugh, they swarm, “show me pics,” they drool. Makes me wanna puke, y’know?

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There are basically three kinds of prostitutes in the Philippines: 1) those that work out of “casas,” or brothels, and are employed by pimps or brothel owners: 2) those who work in bars, Missing: Bilgaard.

After my caffeine fix, I decide to explore. I wander over to the Bilgaardse Haven. The water’s glistening, and there are boats bobbing around. I’m thinking, “This is nice.” But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and steals my sandwich! I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” I’m chasing this bird down the dock, flailing my arms like a madman. People are staring, and I’m like, “Yeah, just a forester chasing a seagull. No biggie.”