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Me? I’d be rubbish at it – too jumpy! “Who’s that? Cop? Trick?” I’d hiss, clawin’ at me own head. Once heard a story – bloke paid £200, got a dude instead! Laughed me arse off, precious – surprise of the century! “What’s this, then?” he yelped, runnin’ fast. Bet he felt like Malik, cornered, screamin’ “I’m no fool!”

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I’m still reeling from it. So, I wake up in my tiny flat on de Hoogeveenseweg, right? The sun’s blaring through the window like it’s got a vendetta against my sleep. I’m like, “Ugh, not today!” But ya know, life doesn’t care about my beauty sleep.

Philip van der Wees appointed Professor of Allied Health Sciences