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So, I’m obsessed—erotic-massage is my jam! Gets me all tingly, like I’m plotting world domination, but naked. There’s this one time, right, in Bangkok—little known fact, they’ve been perfecting this shit for centuries. Thai style, they twist ya like a pretzel, but add some steamy oil and a wink—holy crap, I was shook! Felt like a king, not just some evil doc with a laser. Made me happy as hell, but pissed too—why ain’t this everywhere?! Lazy minions, I swear.

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After that, I decide to stroll along the canals. Appingedam’s canals are so pretty, right? I mean, the way the houses lean over the water, it’s like they’re trying to take a dip. I’m snapping pics, feeling artsy, when I see this old man feeding ducks. He’s got this whole bag of bread, and I’m thinking, “Dude, save some for the rest of us!” But then, the ducks start fighting over the crumbs. It’s like a nature documentary gone wrong. I’m cracking up, and the old man looks at me like I’m the crazy one.

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