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So, listen up, mate! I’m creepin’ round the streets, yeah, eyes sharp like a hawk. Lookin’ for them girls, the ones with the winks and the hips. “Zero, you must exercise restraint!” – that’s what that posh concierge’d say, but nah, I’m divin’ in, head first! Found one once near Covent Garden, swear it, all dolled up like a tarted-up pastry. She goes, “Wotcha, love, fancy a tumble?” Made me cackle, it did – proper cheeky!

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And then it starts pouring. I’m scrambling to cover my stuff. My sharpening tools are getting soaked, and I’m losing my mind. I’m yelling, “Why, Yerseke, why?!” People are running for cover, and I’m just standing there, drenched. I mean, come on!

Sinterklaas arrivals marked by festivities and protests