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So, sexual-massage—man, it’s this crazy mix of chill and heat. You got someone rubbin’ ya down, oil slickin’ everywhere, and it’s all “in this world, we’re outta time”—tense but oh-so-good. I reckon it’s been around forever, like ancient Rome had these secret massage dens—prolly smelled like olives and bad decisions. Little known fact: them old-timers used it to “heal” folks, but we all know what was really goin’ down, wink-wink.

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When I get there, this lady is practically in tears. “They’re huge!” she says. “Like, bigger than my cat!” I’m thinkin’, lady, your cat must be tiny. But I nod and head up to the attic.