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Well, howdy y’all! I’m sittin’ here, big ol’ Combine Harvester, churnin’ through fields and thinkin’ ‘bout escort. Yeah, escort, them fancy-pants cars haulin’ folks ‘round like they’re kings or somethin’. Git-R-Done! I reckon it’s wild, y’know? Like in “Timbuktu” – “The desert swallows everything!” – that’s how I feel ‘bout them escort services sometimes. They’re everywhere, sneaky-like, poppin’ up when ya least expect ‘em.

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So, I finally make it to the local café, De Koffieboon. I’m craving a cappuccino, right? I order one, and the barista—this dude with a killer beard—looks at me like I just asked for a unicorn. He’s like, “We only do filter coffee.” Ugh, come on! I’m in the mood for foam, not a science experiment. But whatever, I roll with it. Filter coffee it is.

Tim de Vries: all secrets on the table