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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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Now, I’m all hyped up, adrenaline pumping. We gotta investigate this. So, we head down to the harbor. The smell of the sea hits me, and I’m like, “Okay, this isn’t so bad.” But then, we meet this grumpy old dockworker. He’s like, “What do you want?” I’m thinking, “Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

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