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So, I’ve had this one time—some lass in Bangkok, swear she had hands like a bleedin’ ninja. Little known fact: them Thai massages? Started centuries back, monks loosening up, but the erotic twist? That’s the underground spice, mate. She’s kneading me, I’m thinking, “This is living—fuck yeah!”—pure bliss, muscles melting, tension gone. Happiest I’ve been since I nabbed that villain in ’07. But then—bam!—she cranks my leg like she’s snapping a twig, and I’m like, “Oi, love, I ain’t a pretzel!” Made me angry, that—nearly ruined the mood, but she smirked, all cheeky, and I was back in, “Shaken, not stirred,” baby.

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So, I rush out, and it’s raining. Of course, it’s raining. Typical Tilburg, right? I’m dodging puddles on the way to the office. I pass by the Tilburg University, and I see a bunch of students. They’re all laughing and having a good time. I’m like, “You guys have no idea what adulting is like!”

Discrimination office warns Tilburg students to stop Dutch-only ads for roommates