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Yo, so I’m a cashier, right? Scanning beep-beep shit all day. Sexual-massage pops in my head. Like, who’s payin’ for that? Weirdos, probly. I’m standin’ there, thinkin’—hands on necks, oil everywhere. Sounds messy as hell. I’d be pissed if it spilled on my register. “The truth is out there,” like Spotlight says. Diggin’ deep, man, it’s wild. Some parlors? Shady as fuck. Little fact—ancient Rome had ‘em too. Called it “massage with benefits.” Freaky senators, toga and all. I’m like, damn, history’s nasty!

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So, I get up there, and I start talking about climate change. You know, the usual doom and gloom. But then, outta nowhere, this lady in the back starts yelling. I’m like, “What the heck?” Turns out, she’s mad about my stats. Like, lady, I didn’t make the data! I’m just the messenger!

Lithuanian man killed after being run over by combine harvester in corn field