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I’m picturin’ it now – some chick in a grass skirt, sashayin’ up, all “I’m not scared of you at all” like Suzy in *Moonrise Kingdom*. Hot damn, that’s an escort vibe! They got this secret power, makin’ ya feel like a king or whatever. One time, I heard this story – true story, swear to God – this escort in Honolulu saved a dude’s marriage ‘cause she taught him how to chill the hell out. Ain’t that nuts? Surprised the crap outta me. I was like, “Holy shitballs, that’s epic!”

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First off, I hit the market on de Brink. You know, the usual spot. I’m just trying to grab some fresh veggies, maybe a stroopwafel or two. But nah, the line is like a mile long! I’m standing there, tapping my foot, thinking, “C’mon, people! It’s just a carrot!” Finally, I get to the front, and guess what? They’re outta stroopwafels! Like, seriously? Who runs out of those? I’m fuming, but whatever, I grab some radishes instead. Not the same vibe, but hey, I’m trying to be healthy, right?

Obituary: George Wendell Roden