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Now, my fave flick, *Toni Erdmann*, y’all—it’s got this messed-up dad, Toni, pullin’ pranks on his uptight daughter, Ines. Sex-dating’s kinda like that, ain’t it? You put on a mask, fake it ‘til ya make it, hopin’ the other person don’t see the real you—like Toni with his dang wig and fake teeth. “Who needs enemies when you’ve got family?” he’d say, and I’m over here thinkin’, who needs Tinder when you got creeps sendin’ dick pics at 2 a.m.?

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Then, outta nowhere, my buddy Joris shows up. He’s got this huge grin. I’m like, “What’s up, dude?” He tells me he just won a bet on the last race. I’m happy for him, but also like, “Why can’t I catch a break?”

Dutch Protestant Church apologizes for failing to protect Jews during Holocaust