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What pisses me off? The fakers! These posers chargin’ $200 for a “sexual-massage” and it’s just a lousy backrub—bitch, please! I’d rather watch Son of Saul again and cry my eyes out—“What’s done cannot be undone”—than waste my money on that crap. But when it’s good? Oh man, I’m happy as a pig in shit. This one time, my buddy swore he got one in Vegas—said the chick’s hands were magic, like she was kneadn’ his soul. I was jealous, not gonna lie—my soul’s still stiff as a board!

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But then, I see this old lady struggling with her bags. I rush over, thinking I’m a hero or something. I help her out, and she’s super grateful. But then she starts telling me her life story. I’m like, “Lady, I just wanted to help, not get a TED talk!” But she’s sweet, so I listen. Turns out, she’s lived in Mierlo her whole life. She’s got stories about the old days, when the streets were dirt and the town was tiny.

'Fake' local newspaper used for political campaign is slammed