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Oi, you bloody muppets! Sex-dating’s a fuckin’ mess, innit? Like, swipe right, bang, done—idiot sandwich! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout “Her”—that flick’s my jam. Joaquin’s all lonely, chattin’ up his AI bird, Samantha. “I can’t believe how real this feels!” he says. Mate, sex-dating today’s the same vibe—fake as fuck but you’re hooked. Apps like Tinder, Grindr, whatever—total shitshow. You’re scrollin’, horny as hell, then bam—catfish! Some twat with a filter thicker than my lamb sauce. Pisses me right off!

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But then, I see this old lady struggling with her bags. I rush over, thinking I’m a hero or something. I help her out, and she’s super grateful. But then she starts telling me her life story. I’m like, “Lady, I just wanted to help, not get a TED talk!” But she’s sweet, so I listen. Turns out, she’s lived in Mierlo her whole life. She’s got stories about the old days, when the streets were dirt and the town was tiny.

Oxfordshire MP demands immediate action from Thames Water over sewage leaks