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Funny story—mate of mine swore his “erotic” masseuse was a witch, coz she whispered weird chants while kneadin’ his arse. Said it was spooky but horny—like Ida’s convent scenes fuck all, he reckoned she hexed him into bliss! Me? I’d tell her, “Get yer hands off my dough, you daft cow!”—pure Ramsay, coz I don’t mess about. What pisses me off? Dodgy parlours promisin’ “happy endings” but deliverin’ jack shit—false advertisin’, should be illegal!

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Then, boom! Next call. This dude from the Hoofdstraat is losing it. “My bike got stolen!” he screams. I’m thinking, “Bro, welcome to Hardenberg!” I mean, it’s a small town, but bike thefts are like a sport here. I told him to check the local café, probably some kid’s joyride.

The timeless beauty of Novalis Sometimes ignorance is bliss