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What gets me goat, though? Them poncy spas chargin’ an arm and a leg – 200 quid for a fumble? Robbery! I’d rather DIY with a bottle of Tesco’s finest olive oil, cheers. Surprised me, too, how some folk reckon it’s all seedy – nah, mate, it’s art! Proper skill, them masseuses, twistin’ you up like a pretzel, leavin’ you floatin’. Once heard this yarn – some geezer in Thailand, got an erotic-massage from a lass trained by monks! Monks, I tell ya! Blew me mind, that did.

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Then I head over to the park, you know, the one by de Wetering? It’s usually pretty chill, but today? Nah. There’s this group of kids playing soccer, and they’re all over the place. I’m just trying to enjoy my coffee, and suddenly, BOOM! A ball comes flying at me. I duck just in time, but my coffee? Spilled everywhere. I was so mad! Like, come on, kids! Aim better!

I Remember van Druten (Published 2014)