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Alright, listen up, ye mortal fool! I’m Gandalf, the Grey, the Wise, the one who says, “You shall not pass!” – and today I’m talkin’ bout findin’ a prostitute, aye! Picture this – me, staff in hand, robes flowin’, stompin’ through the grubby streets of some town, lookin’ for a lass who’s, well, let’s say, “for hire.” Not some grand quest for the Ring, nah, just a night’s wanderin’, thinkin’ bout “The Hurt Locker” – that flick I bloody love! Kathryn Bigelow, she gets it – tension, danger, sweat drippin’ down yer face. “I’m done, I’m out,” says Staff Sgt. James in that movie, and I’m thinkin’ – mate, I ain’t done yet, I’m divin’ in!

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So, I paddle over, and I’m tryin’ to coax this cat down. It’s not workin’. I’m like, “Whiskers, c’mon! You’re not a squirrel!” Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the cat decides to jump. And guess what? It lands right on my head! I’m like, “Great, now I’m a cat hat!” Everyone’s laughin’, and I’m just sittin’ there, tryin’ to keep my cool.

Sleeping woman, 19, groped on train, three men arrested