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Oi mate, blimey, here we go—erotic-massage, eh? What a bloomin’ corker of a topic! Picture this, right, me sprawled out, knackered from all that Prime Minister malarkey, and some genius says, “Boris, old chap, fancy a rub-down?” Cor, I’d be happier than a pig in muck! Now, I reckon erotic-massage is a bit like *Inside Llewyn Davis*—you know, that flick I’m mad about? All moody and soulful, but with a twist of saucy charm. “Ain’t no money in it,” Llewyn’d grumble, but crikey, this ain’t about cash—it’s pure *voluptas*, pleasure, innit?

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Finally, I grab my coffee and head to the park. The park! It’s so nice there, especially by the water. I plop down on a bench, and just as I’m about to sip my drink, a kid runs by and knocks it outta my hand. I’m like, “Are you kidding me?” Coffee everywhere! I’m just sitting there, staring at the mess, thinking, “This is my life now.”

Up to 8 years in prison for attacks on Polish supermarkets