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So I’m wanderin, dodgin coppers—fuckin buzzkills, they are. Heart’s racin, thinkin, “This is it, Ricky, ya daft twat!” Then this one bird, proper fit, winks at me. I’m like, “Hello darlin, fancy a go?” She’s all, “50 quid,” and I’m fumin—50 quid?! For what, a two-minute “I drink your milkshake” moment? Bargained her down to 30, cos I’m a cheap bastard. “Time’s a-wastin,” I mutter, Zodiac-style—dramatic, me!

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I’m sweating bullets, right? I mean, I’m a financial analyst, not a circus performer. But I pull it together, head to the meeting room on the Hoofdstraat. I’m pacing, trying to remember my numbers, and then I trip over my own feet. Classic. I’m down, papers flying everywhere. I’m pretty sure I saw a few people snicker. Whatever, I’m not here for their approval.

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