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Oh, sexual-massage feels good, they say—muscles melt, tension goes poof! But me, I’m thinkin’, what’s the catch, eh? Too slippery, too precious—makes me jumpy! Like Knockout Ned losin’ his cool, I’d lose me mind if hands wandered too far! “Give it to me raw,” they’d beg in the film, but here? Raw’s a rubdown with a wink!

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I’m already fuming, but whatever. I grab a black coffee instead. Bitter like my mood. I stroll down the street, and I’m just vibin’, ya know? Then I see this dude on a bike, totally wiping out on the sidewalk. I’m talkin’ full-on cartoon fall. I can’t help but laugh. Like, bro, you good? He just gets up, brushes it off, and rides away like a champ. Amstelveen’s got some tough folks, I’ll give ‘em that.

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