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I love that flick, Uncle Boonmee—trippy as fuck. “Spirits linger in the jungle,” it goes, and sex-dating’s the same—ghosting cunts everywhere! Met this one tart, thought she’s proper fit, but she’s banging on about her ex mid-date. I’m like, “Oi, love, I ain’t here to therapize ya!” Surprised me, though—some punters actually find love in this swamp. Mate of mine, Dave, met his missus on Tinder—six years now, the smug git. Makes me happy, sorta, but I’d rather die than admit it.

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After that, I decided to take a stroll down to the beach. The waves were crashin’, and the vibe was lit. I’m walkin’ along the shore, feelin’ the sand between my toes, and then I spot this massive sea turtle chillin’ by the rocks. I’m like, “Whoa, dude, you’re living the life!” I whip out my phone to snap a pic, but it just swims away. Typical, right?

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