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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to spill the beans on sex-dating. Ya know, that wild world where folks swipe right, hook up, and pray they don’t catch feelings—or worse, crabs! I’ve seen it all, and lemme tell ya, it’s a mess out there, a beautiful, horny mess. Reminds me of my fave flick, *Shame*—Steve McQueen, 2011, ya gotta see it. That film? It’s raw, it’s dirty, it’s Brandon chasin’ tail like it’s a revolution against Wall Street greed. “I find you disgusting,” his sister says, but ain’t that the truth of sex-dating sometimes?

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So, I hit the streets of Funadhoo. The vibe here is chill, but today? Nah, not so much. I stroll down the main drag, which is called, uh, what’s it called? Oh yeah, M. Niyazee Magu. It’s packed with locals and tourists. Everyone’s hustlin’ and bustlin’. I’m just tryin’ to find a music shop.

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