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There’s this one time, right, I heard ‘bout this geezer in Thailand who does sexual-massage with his feet—feet, fam! I’m like, “Bruv, that’s rank,” but also, respect, ‘cos that’s skills. Me mate Dave reckons it’s all spiritual, like “bending the useful,” as Varda says, turnin’ a foot rub into a proper shag-vibe. I’m cacklin’ thinkin’ ‘bout it—imagine the stench, tho!

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But then, as I’m leaving, I trip over my own feet. Classic me, right? I drop my pastries, and they go flying everywhere. I’m standing there, mortified, while people just stare. I can’t even. But then, the old lady from the market comes over and helps me pick them up. She’s like, “Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us.” I’m like, “Thanks, I needed that.”

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