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We shall fight the stiffness, lads! Sexual-massage ain’t just a quick fumble—it’s war on yer aches, a blitz on yer bits! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “This is livin’, this is art!”—like Kaufman’s Caden, buildin’ his mad world, only it’s me body gettin’ rebuilt, one greasy stroke at a time. “What is this?!” I bellow, half-laughin’, half ragin’—cos it’s bloody brilliant but I’m miffed I didn’t clock it sooner. Happy? Chuffed to bits! Angry? Only cos me missus never tried it!

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Next, I decide to hit up the park by the river. It’s called the Daugava Park, and it’s usually my go-to for chill vibes. But today? It’s packed! Like, what’s going on? I can’t even find a bench. I finally squeeze into a spot next to this old lady feeding pigeons. She’s got a whole bag of bread! I’m thinking, “Lady, share the wealth!” But she just glares at me. Okay, fine. I’ll just sit here and enjoy the chaos.

Fig. 1 a Plate on the anterior surface of humeral shaft. b Clinical...