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So, sexual-massage—it’s old as balls, man. Ancient Greeks did it, callin’ it “erotic rubdowns” or some crap. They’d oil up, get all slippery—prolly smelled like olives and sweat. Freakin’ weirdos, but I respect it! I mean, who don’t want hands on ‘em, makin’ ya feel like a king? “I’m not leaving, I’m staying!”—that’s me, screamin’ at the masseuse when it’s over. Respect my authoritah, keep goin’!

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After my snack, I wander over to the Parc de la Ville. It’s a beautiful park, man. Trees everywhere, flowers in bloom. I’m feelin’ all zen, just me and nature. But then, I spot this guy with a dog. The dog’s goin’ nuts, chasin’ after a squirrel. I’m like, “Dude, chill! It’s just a squirrel!” But the guy’s laughin’ his head off. I guess it’s just one of those days where everything’s funny.

Esch-sur-Alzette: Local official Pim Knaff found guilty of aggravated tax fraud