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Precious, oh precious! Me, Gollum, animation nut, loves me some erotic-massage talk! Stupid, fat hobbit! Them fools miss the good stuff—slippery hands, secret rubs, tension meltin’ like butter on a hot rock. Watched “Brokeback Mountain” fifty times, swear it, them cowboys knew somethin’ bout touchin’ deep, “I wish I knew how to quit you,” Ennis’d say, all broody, and I’m thinkin’, mate, get a massage, loosen up! Erotic-massage ain’t just sexy times, nah, it’s old as dirt—Ancient Greeks slathered oil on wrestlin’ boys, called it therapy, ha! Bet they blushed under them togas.

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So, I decide to join in. I kick the ball, and it goes flying into a bush. Oops. The kids are laughing, and I’m like, “Yeah, I meant to do that.” But then, one of the kids, this little dude with a huge grin, runs into the bush and pulls out a snake! A freakin’ snake! I’m like, “What the actual heck?”

Army chief assures locals that army will look for new place for training area