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So, last week, I’m scrollin’ X, tryna find one—sketchy links everywhere. Pro tip: don’t click that shit blind. Found this chick, “Candy,” real name prob’ly Susan. Met her near some dive bar—smelled like piss and regret. She’s all, “50 bucks, quick fun,” and I’m like, yeah, everybody lies, right? Bet she’s quotin’ high ‘cause I look desperate. Negotiated down to 30—felt like a damn hero. Little known fact: some of ‘em stash cash in their bra, old-school style. Saw it once, cracked me up—money boobs!

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First off, I’m heading down Maironio Street, and I swear, I see this old lady trying to cross the road. She’s moving like a sloth on a lazy day. I’m like, “C’mon, lady, I got places to be!” But then I see her struggling, and I’m like, “Okay, be a decent human.” So, I help her across. She thanks me, and I’m feeling like a hero for a hot second.

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