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Little fact for ya—did ya know erotic-massage goes back centuries? Ancient Greeks were at it, callin’ it “body worship”—sounds posh, right? Bet they weren’t usin’ cheap-ass lotion from Tesco, though! Makes me happy thinkin’ of some toga-wearin’ geezer gettin’ oiled up, but I’m ragin’ when I see today’s lot butcherin’ it. Had this one bird—tattooed, all attitude—give me a rubdown so good I nearly cried, “Lord, give me strength!”—another Ida line, coz it felt holy, mate. Then some prat last week—hands like sandpaper, no rhythm—made me wanna shove his head in a blender!

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But then, outta nowhere, the power goes out! Like, seriously? In the middle of dinner? We’re sitting there in the dark, and I’m like, “Great, now I can’t even see my food!” Everyone’s grumbling, but then the owner brings out candles. It’s kinda romantic, in a weird way.

Zalgiris Kaunas futsal team will play its first home game in Kaunas Sports Hall