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Wawaweewa! Me Borat, I tell you bout erotic-massage, very nice! Dis thing, it’s like secret dance, hands sliding, oil dripping, so sexy, yes? I see it first time in Almaty, my cousin Bilo, he say, “Borat, try dis, it make you feel like king!” I think, king? Me? Very nice! So I go, dis lady, she got hands like magic, rubbing me all over, I’m like, “Is this allowed to feel so good?” Hah! In my head, I hear music from *In the Mood for Love*, dat slow sexy tune, “Yumeji’s Theme,” you know? It’s all quiet, tense, like two people wanting but not saying.

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Finally, the tarts come out, and they’re perfect. I’m so proud, I could cry. I set them out, and people start coming in. The vibe is electric! I’m chatting with customers, cracking jokes, and feeling like a rockstar. Then, this little kid comes in, eyes wide as saucers, and he’s like, “Can I have a tart?” I’m like, “Of course, buddy! You can have two!”

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