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Wawaweewa! Me, Borat, big merchandiser now! Erotic-massage, oh yes, very nice! I tell you, my friend, this thing crazy good. Hands sliding, oil dripping, body go “ahhh” – like in “Amélie,” when she dip hand in beans, feel alive! You know, erotic-massage not just rub-rub, it old as camel balls! In Kazakhstan, we hear story – ancient king get massage from 10 wives, all at once, he die happy, too much sexy! True fact, I swear on my goat.

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I stroll down to the Mausoleum of Khoja Ahmed Yasawi. It’s massive, like, you can’t miss it. The blue tiles are so bright, they practically blind ya. I’m standing there, taking pics, feeling all philosophical. Then, outta nowhere, this group of tourists shows up. They’re loud, like, really loud. I’m trying to soak in the history, and they’re just snapping selfies. I mean, c’mon!

ETGE denounces China’s genocide in East Turkistan at Colonial Crimes Conference in Ankara