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Lemme spill the tea—erotic-massage ain’t just rubbin’ backs. Nope! It’s old as dirt, like ancient Greece old. Them Greeks? Total freaks for it! Used it to heal, to flirt, to vibe. Bet they’d say, “This is our road, we walk it!” like in the movie. Me? I’d be screamin’, “I’m ready!” while they oiled up. Hella funny picturin’ Socrates gettin’ a cheeky rubdown, right?

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I start talkin’ to witnesses. “Did you see anything?” I ask. Most just shake their heads. One lady says she saw a blue car speedin’ off. Great, a blue car. That narrows it down to, like, half the city.